I starve myself of food, love, money, joy....

When things get really tough. It's my default but I'm building new habits and behavior's so my defaults will be much more positive.

When things are great, then things look easy and GREAT! It makes the changes we desire feel good and like we can accomplish them. But when things get tough, it all turns around.

We quit because things are harder than we thought, we have too much going on, we feel overwhelmed, no one is supporting us, we aren’t getting what we want, or so we think. We fall into our default modes. Our coping mechanisms. The things that we have used to get us through situations in the past, whether positive or not.

Now think about your default coping mechanisms. What do you do when things are tough? 

What do you do when you get triggered?  What do you do when things feel overwhelming? For you, you may go on shopping binges, or totally ignore parts of your life. 

For me, I starve myself. It’s what I learned growing up but not always in a direct sense.  

I starve myself of food: I was told so many times by doctors, “friends”, school mates that I was overweight, fat, ugly, out of normal range for my age.  So I learned how to starve myself to feel more accepted, skinny, normal. It was a punishment but I didn’t see it that way until recently. My parents never withheld food from me or starved me. It was my doing, my response to a tough situation. I associated being not accepted with being fat. Let me be very clear on this, I was never fat. I was never overweight. I was always normal. But that isn’t what I heard from the outside world. Taking away food or telling myself that I shouldn't eat "that" was a way for me to put a direct action into place in the hopes things would change. Was it healthy? Absolutely not, but I didn't know that at the time.

I starve myself of love: I didn’t grow up in a loving home. I remember hearing the words "I love you" literally never. I can’t recall a time I heard either of my parents say it to me. They may have but I don’t remember it. I can remember a couple of times I was hugged by my parents. A couple total, between the both of them. I am currently 44 years old. What I remember from growing up was being yelled at, fighting between my parents, tons of stress, very little laughter, no real excitement, and learning how to figure things out on my own. Touch wasn’t a “thing” in my household and it still feels very foreign to me. Touch is how many people show love. I crave it really but push it away when it happens. I have a hard time seeing how others show me love because I don’t know what it feels like to feel loved. I have an even harder time receiving that love. Was it healthy? Absolutely not, but I didn't know that at the time.

I starve myself of money: Growing up, all I heard was conversation suggesting that we didn't have enough money. I knew not to ask for things because it was stressful financially. When I moved out on my own, I was determined to never move back home again so I had to really focus on my money. I will not purchase something for myself even if I saved up for it. I feel guilty, like the money should be spent on something or someone else. I will justify NOT spending the money on myself by saying, things like "I changed my mind, I don’t really want it". I feel like I don’t deserve it. I also starve myself of money by not creating more of it. I don’t feel like I am worth more. I tell myself I am not good at it, that I don't need any more. Was it healthy? Absolutely not, but I didn't know that at the time.

I starve myself of joy: It’s easy to look at the negatives of the situation. It’s easy to focus on what is not working or going well. When I do that, I take away the joy I could be experiencing. I take away the hope. I take away the fun. I let stress and overwhelm take the joy out of so many situations and experiences. I've missed a lot of joy in my life worrying about other things. Was it healthy? Absolutely not, but I didn't know that at the time.

I wasn’t good enough for any of these areas and probably many more. I didn’t learn how to develop good coping mechanisms or habits to get me through the tough times. What I developed wasn't healthy but I didn't know that at the time. I do now! And that is where true transformation, power, change happens.

These are still my defaults because they have been around longer than my new habits and behavior's. The defaults have been programed into my being much longer than the healthy ones. So I have to work at it. I have to work at NOT going to the default mechanisms and focus on the new mindsets, the new habits, the new defaults I want to create. So I put in guardrails. I ask for help, I see it happening much quicker now because I am aware of it, so I am able to take a different path. 

I tell myself each day that I desire food. I am an excellent cook and baker. I love the taste of food and it nourishes not only my body but my mind. Being in the kitchen calms me. Eating the food I made makes me feel proud. Cooking for others is a way I show my love for them.

I tell myself each day that I desire love. I am loved and I love others. I am love….. In everything I do. I want to be touched. I want to experience hugs from people. I feel better when I touch others. I feel such a positive energy exchange now. 

I tell myself each day that I desire money. I love money. I want more money. I am doing all the good things with money. 

I’ve learned that I no longer have to starve myself of anything to be worthy of all I desire. I’ve also learned that I have an incredible gift to help you see all the amazing pieces of yourself in a new light and guide you to living a life you truly desire to live.

And most importantly, I’ve learned that I want my children to remember me telling them that I love them. That they crave hugs from me because they know it will melt their fears away. That food can bring people together and heal their bodies and their spirits. That they can make as much money as they want! That they can experience joy in tough times. That they can have everything they desire in life and there is nothing going to stop them except themselves. I have the ability and responsibility to pass these new habits and behavior's along to my children not only for them but for me. 

What can you learn about your default coping mechanisms?