Grief and Money
As I sit here to write this, it is currently 3:12 am. I have been awake for a couple of hours unable to sleep...The wind is strong tonight and I have a lot on my mind. Forgive me if parts of this seem out of place. I want to get my thoughts out as authentically as possible and not worry so much about the flow.
We had to put our dog down on Friday. I have learned more about myself over the past couple of years about grief and my money. I have learned that I've never allowed myself to grieve fully, never really understood how to grieve in a healthy way. I hold it in and try to "stay strong". Whether it is an animal, family member, or friend that passes I often wipe the tears away as quickly as possible and go on about my day, not knowing any other way to handle the situation. And how those tucked away feelings and emotions show up in my actions and thoughts surrounding money is surprising.
two cats and a dog on an adventure
When we started on this RV journey, we had two cats and a dog. All three were older; the cats were 11 and the dog was 13. We knew that traveling with animals at those ages was going to be difficult, but there have been so many unexpected emotions and challenges that have come.
We don't have our normal vet while on the road and finding one that will see travelers is more difficult than you may realize. We can't find the same brands or flavors of cat or dog food; I truly didn't anticipate this being an issue we would face. Different climates affect the animals differently. Trying to tell the animals that things are okay or that they get to see different parts of the country isn't as easy as one might think...(A little humor was necessary here.)
July 22, 2022 we had to put down one of our cats. The small grey one in the picture. We aren't even totally sure what happened but it was necessary none the less.
Jan 26, 2023 my gran passed. She had Dementia and Alzheimer's.
April 14, 2023 we had to put our dog down. She was just shy of 15 years old and her body was failing her.
These are common situations people associate with grieving. But there have been many other times grief has shown up in the last two years. Releasing the Sarah I was trying so desperately to hold onto so others may like me so I could be the Sarah I've always wanted to be. Ending friendships and relationships that were no longer serving me in a positive way. And letting go of my hobbies that couldn't be continued while living in an RV full-time.
Each time I tried to get through it as quick as possible and move on. I've really done myself a huge disservice. Keeping those feeling tucked someplace inside has been eating away at me. It's also "made" me spend more money than planned and brought up the scarcity mindset many times over.
I see now now how grief and money are connected for me but I didn't for most of my life. When I feel out of control in a sad situation (enter grief) and I push those feeling down someplace deep, scarcity shows it's face. Afraid to spend money because "where is the next dollar going to come from?". And scarcity also looks like going to the grocery store only to say over and over "I will figure out how to pay for all of this later". Not wanting to "deal" with it. See the themes here.... I lived so many years in scarcity mode. I had thought I healed that trauma but as it turns out, there is still healing to be done. It doesn't show up as strongly as it did in the past and it doesn't hold me back as much but it is still present.
I am a work in progress as are you. I am working to put an end to the habits of burying my grief and allowing myself to FEEL it. It is uncomfortable, it is hard, and I'm not perfect. But I am putting in the work to change it. I am also putting in guardrails to help me navigate the money piece. Since I am more aware of my tendencies, it does make it a little easier but I need the help. The guardrails I have put in place are to not go to the grocery store without my list and to not purchase things that "feel necessary at the time" but aren't part of my meal plans. I have also asked James to remind me that we have sinking funds for many areas, we are not broke, we have money coming in, we have a fully funded peace of mind fund, and we are going to be okay.
Working on mindsets that hold you back from reaching new levels in life and money are some of the most effective ways to see long term success. Want some help navigating those areas? Reach out and let's talk.
